This is a note about death. These are thoughts of a mind that's trying to deal with things and sadness. A mind that overthink things and this is such an overthought subject by me. Since thinking isn't helping, maybe writing will do. See I dont like to write about sadness, specially my own, very well hidden inside, but I've decided to write this one down. I dont mean to be dramatic here, I seriously hate that and I dont really know who reads this thing, but...anyway...
I've been facing death in this last years. I've been facing it for the first time. More than some people, a lot less then others, probably just on the normal basis. Stil,It never gets easy. It showed up saying it exists to me and my loved ones too and not only on the news. I've seen it come slowly and devastating, slowly and calm, I've seen it announce itself and withdraw, I've seen the possibility of it and for last I've seen how it could get me. Fast. Without announce itself. When you last expect it. When you fall asleep in a car listening to music. It passes by you with a shake. You wake up and it is gone. Passed to you but didn't took you. Passed close to you to warn you. The warning comes with two consequences: either you live paralysed by fear of it in it's many ways or you learn how quick it all could end and enjoy it, all of it, till the end. I've been living the first with the past experiences. Fear caughes me all the time and let me standing there, freezed. Frozen with the possibilities of not having someone I love, of suffering. This thought paralyzes me frequently and this week I'm simply stunned. Stunned with my old thoughts and the last experience. Learning that once you start facing it you see that it won't stop. Wether you think of it or not, wether you talk about it or not, wether you write it or not. So I believe now I must start thinking on the other way, the other consequence. As cliche as this subject can be, it is still a hard one, a new one, one you'll never understand until you go trough it. Some face easily, some dont go so well. I haven't been well. I have been sad for a long time but I dont wanna be like this anymore. Yes they will die, they will all die and I'll die everyone will have to live with it the best way possible. Death is a part of life I'm still learning to live with, didn't thought it would be this hard, but what can I do? That shaking was a warning of life and not death. Death can only be
learned to go trought as a part of my living process, but life shouldn't
be a thing to go trough. So I guess the warning said "forget it!". Go fucking live and face things when they show their faces, not before, not after. This is the best advice I can give to myself and I'm not sure of how much of it I can follow, but I can only try, I suppose.
